Thursday, May 8, 2008

Where were you/Hope to chain this memory/We could have been the last time/Show me a sight in the side of chance/Hold tomorrow/One foot in one foot out

It seems the universe is playing a cruel trick on me. Or perhaps I've accumulated some really bad karma (is there a point in promising not to mock any more customers?). By putting it out in the collective consciousness (more on that subject later) just how much Michael's presence in my life means to me, it's being taken away. Yep, he's decided to move away to the east coast. By the end of June.

Of course I want him to be happy and if moving from here is what will do that, then he has to do it and I won't begrudge him. But fuck. I don't want to be selfish and only think of myself, but FUCK! He's become a daily part of my life. He's my gay boyfriend. He's my only real ally at work. I can be a reprehensible human being around him and he will not only not judge me, but say something even worse himself. Nothing I tell him about my life shocks him (and I can and do tell him just about everything). Nothing he tells me about his escapades shocks me (though I won't say I'm not a little concerned about those Mr. Goodbar moments).

I know his decision to move away from St. Louis has little to nothing to do with me. Yet I can't help but be affected by it. Saying I will miss him understates the matter ridiculously. I will feel a gigantic hole in my life once he's gone. Work could, and most likely will, become unbearable without him around to help me deflect the craziness. He even said himself, a few weeks ago, that if I quit he would have to leave too.

How could life be so unfair as to give me something so special only to whisk it away so quickly? Can cliches help me? What doesn't kill me makes me stronger? If you love something, set it free? Everything happens for a reason? So much bullshit.

I'm not angry -- I'm really not. It's just this sense of losing something before it could really blossom that is making my heart ache. I know that we will stay in touch, but it won't be the same; I won't have him here with me to exchange disgusted glances, to share knowing looks and barely stifled laughs.

At this point I'm reduced to nothing but base profanity. Fuck.

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