i don't know what it is, but you got to do it

I just found out yesterday that an acquaintance bought my mom's house. The house that I grew up in from the age of three and that I considered Home. Out of all my siblings, I think I was the only one sad and angry that my mom was selling and moving to St. Charles. I just couldn't believe that I, who had never lived further than five miles from that house in my whole life, was going to be the one so far away. The sale happened around March or so and if I happen to be in the vicinity of the neighborhood, I cry. I miss the house and I miss my mom living so close to me. And now I have to think of someone I know living in MY house. Frankly, it is freaking me out. I'd much rather have a stranger living there. What are the odds, anyway? There are a billion houses for sale in the city at any given time. Why'd she have to buy my house?

Generally I'm in a bit of a funk. I can say with absolute certainty that I prefer not working to working. The same old bullshit applies to just about every job, it seems. Maybe I need to work in the solitude of a tollbooth or something like that. Hours of blissful alone time. Sigh. Why can't people just be happy doing their own job? Why do so many feel the need to fuck with others to make themselves feel better? I don't always hate my job, honestly -- I really do enjoy it, a lot. When I'm with the wrong crew, though, it's kind of miserable. Since I'm wallowing in self-pity I'll just go ahead with my whining and wailing.

Why oh why can't I make enough money selling stuff I make so that I don't have to have a stupid job? Can I think of something that will be a smash hit that everyone will want and need? People don't need pretty jewelry nor do they need extra, decorative purses. They want them, sure, but they aren't essential. I think household goods are an easier sell because people feel justified somehow as it's not a personal purchase. So, what can I made in the household department? And I'm trying to think of new packaging ideas for the items I do have already. Sometimes it's the whole packaging/image that convinces someone to buy something. But when will I have time to do any of these things? I'm only working part time, but spread out over six days a week so free time where I'm not exhausted is scarce. Not to mention the lack of any creative motivation these days.

Wah wah wah, poor poor me, right? Whatever. I'll get over it. Why I think I'm so special that I don't have to work for a living I don't know. It was just so nice to dream for that brief time that I could make some real money being creative.

In happier news, my hearty hibiscus bloomed today! And the flowers really are as big as [smallish] dinner plates. See?

For perspective, I put my hand in another picture. Keep in mind that I have rather large man hands:


I'm also happy with the progress of my planter with rumex and creeping thyme. Look how cute the thyme she is creeping! Notice the insidious morning glory vines invading!


So there it is. My garden is blooming. Me, not so much right now. I think it would be really helpful to my psyche to be able to create something today. Something cool, something cute, something someone might want. We'll see what happens.