Thursday, September 11, 2008

You got a heart so big/It could crush this town/And I can't hold out forever/Even walls fall down

Things have happened, tears have been shed, worries have only begun, entrances have been approached, even some fun has been had.

We found out our new store assignments this week. I will be in Illinois (my third choice) at a mall store. The best thing is that this store apparently has a reputation as "the gayest ********* ever". How bad could that be, right? Of course, there will be giant, giant hole in my daily work life as Michael and I will not be together. And hence the tears. I really don't want to think about it. It's been threatened so many times in the last several months and now it is irrevocably going to happen and I'm not sure how I'm going to deal.

Tuesday night was an event for the radio station and I went along blithely, drinking myself into oblivion so I didn't have to think about the facts of the new store, separation and whatever else. I appeared to have a great time (and I did, really) listening to Roy and John one-up each other at the DJ booth and laughing uproariously at rather juvenile jokes ("Baffled by Tits" anyone?). Unfortunately, I woke up at 3:00 a.m. with a tight ball of anxiety living in my chest and stomach and spent the next few hours tossing and turning and imagining the worst scenarios about, oh, everything. Adding to that day's stress was the informal coffee meeting about the potential job. Of course, I WANT it. I will be devastated if I don't get it. And we don't even know if it exists yet. Sigh.

Anyway, the anxiety continued at work and clearly looking distraught I kept getting asked if I was okay, which always triggers the waterworks. I did my best to hold it in until I got home, finally, and collapsed in a numb heap, cheered by a little chatting that was entirely too short-lived to lift me out of the funk. When Steve arrived home he was rather surprised to see me in the dark, TV off, staring into space. A little Googling later and he was out to fetch me some 'natural Xanax' in the form of L-Theanine. Oh, and some spaghetti and meatballs from Mangia. Whether it was the carbs or the amino acids, I felt immensely better after and slept well. Today was like a completely new start and I felt 100 times better. I'm sure that's owed as much to the Theanine as the much better night's sleep. And perhaps also because I wasn't hungover. That helped a lot too.

Aack, that's enough navel gazing.

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