Monday, December 24, 2007

You broke another mirror; you're turning into something you are not.

What a fucking day. Mid morning, at work, some sort of hormonal surge or something sent me into a total tailspin. It was everything I could do to keep from sobbing into the lattes. I'm not even sure what it was that set me off. Perhaps the fact that I have to work on so many holidays now. For the last 15+ years I haven't had to work between Christmas Eve and January 2 and it's just shocking to have no choice in the matter now. I'm feeling like I do nothing but work now; that all my life revolves around going to work. Can't stay out late because I have to get up at 3:45a the next day. Can't go to dinner because I have to work until almost 11:00p. Can't do anything but wait for the next shift to start. This job takes up way more of my energy than I expected and sometimes I really resent it. Today is definitely one of those days. I don't feel like I have a single bit of control over when I work and I hate that. Do I even have any vacation days? How long before they start accumulating? At my last job I walked in with three weeks vacation. God, I miss that. Sometimes I miss those regular hours too. Today is not a day that I value the variety this job provides. The only good thing that happened today is that I got to go home a couple hours early.

I need some serious Christmas cheer. Tonight we're celebrating with Steve's family, including his very ill youngest brother. I don't suspect it will be a terribly cheery event. Hopefully tomorrow with my family will improve my mood. Of course, I'm already fretting that I have to work on Wednesday at 4:45a...

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